...Crickets...

I realized last night as I was drifting off to sleep, that I hadn't spoken to another soul the entire day.

Not a single person. I mean, I left two voice mail messages for people but that doesn't count. And it wasn't like I spent the whole day in my pajamas. I went to the supermarket, went to the office for a few hours. I spent quality time in the kitchen- just me, a pound of mozzarella and various carbohydrates to stuff said cheese into. I did laundry. I mean, I put makeup on and real clothes and everything. I saw sunlight.

But it wasn't until I'd closed my eyes that I realized that, other than those two voicemail messages, I hadn't spoken a word out loud. To anyone. For almost sixteen hours. No calls, texts or emails either.

It was amazing.

Ok, wait- hear me out. I am not a hermit. I have a family I'm close to, I have a solid group of friends out here and scattered all over the place and I adore and appreciate each and every one of them. You just cannot deny the importance of nurturing relationships, people to love who can love you back, supporting each other, cheering them on, letting them console you...it's what makes the world a beautiful thing. I'm sure it's what keeps me from muttering to myself on a street corner somewhere.

And yet...silence is just completely, utterly underrated. I know mothers with young children (and older too, come to think of it) understand what I mean- that craving for just five damn minutes of peace, when there's no one to answer to, no mouths to wipe, no messes to chase after. Silence can be purely selfish- its insular and requires nothing from you. Actually that's not true- it demands distance, a detachment from others and their needs- whether its for your input, your time or your company.

I know people who cannot physically bear it- the silence of being alone. I'm sure you do too- they're either on the phone or email or on their blackberry, making plans for later in the day when they can actually see another person- that's really when their lives get color, when their day takes shape- centered around interaction with other people. The idea of going to a movie or a restaurant by themselves is unfathomable. Which is funny, because the idea of spending every single day like that- wrapped up in interaction with others, is beyond my comprehension. I would snap, I'm sure of it. I'd be ok for a while but eventually you would find me in the stall of a public bathroom, hands over my ears and my eyes shut tight.

Which worries me a little. Lately I've been thinking a lot about having kids- do I want them, when would I procure one (I like saying "procure" as if they're something I can find on Overstock.com), do I really want one or am I just supposed to want one? That last question comes up the most. A huge part of me does, the part that has a massive reservoir of love and nurturing and very specific opinions about parenthood all stored up (what do you expect from a person with 10+ years of baby-sitting experience behind her?). And then the rest of me thinks I must be insane, just plain crazy. It should be no surprise that its the same part that feels like doing cartwheels when I've had a full day without a peep from another soul. No surprise but very confusing, as you could imagine.