For Michael

I challenge you to watch this only once. I also implore you to pay attention the priceless details in this all-to-short commercial for what looks like the crappiest instant coffee known to man. Excuse me, coffee crystals.

- The couch covered in plastic. Listen carefully- that's dear Lauren making those squeaky sounds as she langorously shifts to savor the flavor of her fake coffee.

- Those glorious infections: "De-CAFF-inated"

- Whammo! Check out the rock when she puts that cup on top of that other cup (why is that necessary anyway?)

- "My favorite time of day is night." Wow. Can we be more general? My favorite type of pet is dog. You don't say? Also I'm not sure that even makes sense. Night and day are separate things aren't they? Opposites? To do with the existence of the sun? Right? Am I taking crazy pills?